TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
be right there i have to get my cape
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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