Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
