I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
