That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
