I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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