I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
How naked do you want me to be?
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