I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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