just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
