I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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