I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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