when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
