apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
