I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
