oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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