I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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