Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
