Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
