I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
