pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
