so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
