so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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