Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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