I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
