We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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