I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
