If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I wish there were birth control emojis
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
