i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
