the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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