Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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