Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
