Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
