I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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