I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
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You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
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If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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