my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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