You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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