Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
