Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
