It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
