on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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