i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
