Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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