i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
