Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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