She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
