made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
