you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
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The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
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mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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