Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
