1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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