one might say we're banned from that church
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
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I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
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he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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