It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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