she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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