They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
