I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
