Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Text me some of your sweat
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
