When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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