happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
