Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
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Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
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Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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