He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
