last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
