Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
