I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
