I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
