I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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